...And Baby Makes 3..The #pregnancydiaries My Pregnancy Journey Part 1

"Oh f**k"

"No,no,no,no,no,no"

"dammit"

"Haoooowwww did this happen?? I thought I was so careful?? So much for NFP, Steupse"

Ohhmigawddd now I have to go through, labour!!

"Am I going to be a good parent? What de a** I really know bout minding a child eh?"

"What about morning sickness? Lord, you know I cannot DEAL with feeling sick"

"Oh god, why now???!!"

"But I had plans, Lord!!! I eh even finish paying off my student loan yet. Yuh mean yuh couldn't wait till after that??"

"shit, shit, shit"

"Oh Jesus, how do I tell my husband???!!"


I do believe those were some of my first thoughts when I saw those two pink lines, one strong and bold and the other ever so faint, on a pregnancy test I had taken just three minutes earlier.

Then came denial...

"These things does be wrong sometimes you know, lemme get a second one to make sure."

Got a second test, different brand. Same result.

"Shit"

Then came even MORE denial.

"Well lemme schedule a doctor's appointment. We still dunno if it's true..she will confirm for sure."

...and it was confirmed two days later by the doctor.

I was indeed pregnant.

Lord help me.

Dear God

On the surface, it would seem as though the conditions were right for a pregnancy; I'm married, we make a decent living, and most importantly *cue eyeroll*, the people had been hounding us for the better part of five years to 'make a child' would finally get their wish. Everybody somehow knew we'd be great parents. I've been told often I'd be a great mom, I already have the 'experience' of playing mummy as the oldest of eight. I know what it is to be responsible for others, as I'd been doing it practically all my life, yet I just didn't think I was ready. The truth is, you're never really ready. When you have to face the reality of the sheer magnitude of the task the Lord is asking you to undertake...you absolutely do not feel capable of handling such a monumental task.

Yet, I've always wanted children. I knew from age 7 that I was going to be a mummy. However, as I grew up, and time passed, I figured I'd be one of those older mothers, having my first child at age 35, after I had ticked a few more life accomplishments off my list.In fact, just a few months earlier, drawn up a grand plan to expand my business and engage in a re-branding campaign and had started binge research planning a cruise for my husband and I. Welp, pregnancy threw a big ol' wrench in ALL of that.

As the saying goes: man plans and God laughs.

This pregnancy has humbled me and it has tested me.

It has humbled me because I have been put on blast. I've always been a pro-life advocate, largely due to the circumstances surrounding my own genesis. My parents chose to keep me. I could not in good conscience, choose otherwise for my own. This was a test of my pro-life stance. "Yuh could talk de talk, but can you walk the walk?" "Put yuh money where yuh mouth is now nah." Take dat. As a Catholic, one of your vows is to be open to having children. However, theory and reality are two vastly different things. I was now having to live up to the promise I made in front of God and 90 odd witnesses. I always thought, rather smugly, that I could handle pregnancy and childcare, because I'd been through it, vicariously, so many times with my mother. As the oldest of eight, I had this on lock.

Not. At. ALL. Me, Mz Independent, now had to rely on others for help and advice, I could no longer do it all. I was peppering my pregnant friends, my sisters and mother with questions about this new and strange phase of my life. Like Jon Snow, I knew NOTHING.

It has tested my sanity, my patience, my relationship with my husband (putting up with a wildly hormonal woman is no easy task), my relationship with the Lord; my physical and mental fortitude. It has made me completely re-evaluate what I want out of life. It has made me question myself and my capabilities.

Pregnancy is a time when you have to contend with both physical, emotional and mental changes. I must say I have had a fairly 'easy' pregnancy, physically because I had no morning sickness, I didn't put on any excessive weight and I was able to work through the entire time. However, the mental shift was waayyyy more difficult for me. You have to come to terms with the fact that you are now responsible for a whole other life; you have to come to terms with the changes your body is going through, and you also have to explain said changes (complete with pictures and video) to your husband and hope he understands.

I do not deal well with change. I have problems with question marks and unknowns. I am a control freak and a planner and strategist by nature. I was depressed for months. There was this constant cloud over me. This was not in my plan (yet). I had very little control over my body and my emotions. I didn't feel like myself.  I had many, many arguments with God about why He would do this to me, to us, now.

Then I saw a video a few days after the American presidential election that completely snapped me out of my funk. I felt as if the cloud over me had been completely lifted. The Lord uses people to speak to you, especially when you're mired in self pity and don't have the capacity to listen when He speaks to you directly.

One of my favourite you-tubers bronzegoddess01 made a video about the aftermath of the election and in it she addressed the despair that people were feeling. Basically she said that it doesn't matter who is in charge, or what situation you find yourself in or what the country is going through, if you say you are a believer and you trust in the Lord, then there is no room for despair. He will provide a way.
My mind was completely blown. Here I was despairing, even after the countless times the Lord has shown me His faithfulness; still doubting that he'd see me and my family through this next unknown stage of our lives. The bottom line: I have to trust the Lord. Completely. Even though I may not be seeing the whole picture.

So as a way of keeping myself positive and  maintaining my sanity, I started chronicling my experiences via the #pregnancydiaries hashtag, just as a humorous way to kind of vent about what I was going through, but also to put it in perspective over time and also to make people laugh. I know my experience is not a unique one; it's one shared by millions of women around the world, but knowing there are women and men in my little network than can identify with an appreciate all the ups and downs of the journey makes it all the more bearable.

This pregnancy has also been filled with unexpected medical diagnoses, unanticipated costs and yet my son and I still prevail. It has also been filled with amazing kindness, support and generosity when I least expected it.. but that's another story for another day ;)

Stay tuned for Part 2.

Hopefully D day is soon!