The Winding Road

Hi!


I know it's been FOREVER! I do apologise! I never seem to be able to cook enough food to last me a week and I find myself having to cook something almost every night, so a lot of my nights are taken up with preparing my food, cuz I don't eat anything that comes in a box, carton, package or can

I make every single thing I eat from scratch

#yayme

...but I digress

Let's get right in to today's post

There's a meme that talks about success that looks a lil something like this

I can most certainly attest to this

My life's journey thus far has taken me all over the place, and I don't think that's a bad thing.

When I finished University, I swore up and down I was going to be some big international manager somewhere (I even got accepted to a International Management Masters programme) where I'd get to speak French; or a translator or work for the UN or in Foreign Affairs

Then reality hit; I couldn't afford to pay for a masters programme, and I was bonded to the government through my scholarship and I had to serve FIVE years obligatory service (which seems liek eternity, when it actuality....yeah, it is), so what next?

Get a job, right?

So i was given a job, not remotely related to anything I studied..and then what I like to call post university depression set in, where you find out that getting a university degree doesn't count for peas in the real world

So there I was, a graduate, doing nothing I was remotely interested in, wondering, where on earth do I go from here? Is it even possible to move on from this place?

Sometimes you find yourself in a situation and you're wondering, why the HELL am I really here, what is the purpose of this? Oh believe me, I've been there, numerous times, for years, asking myself, what REALLY is the purpose of my life? Am I doomed to suffer in this godforsaken position, job, etc FOREVER??!!

Well I'm here to tell you, the period of darkness, the period of despair, confusion, depression, loneliness, frustration; it's absolutely necessary; it pushes to you your limit. It makes you search yourself and find out what you really want, it makes you question your priorities, your ideals, why you want what you want, what you're good at, what you aren't good at, what you will or won't tolerate.

I spent three years in a desk job at various government ministries and I was MISERABLE, and you know what the worst part was?

My coworkers were some of the BEST people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I had great supervisors/bosses for the most part; some with whom I'm still friendly

So if my working environment wasn't completely horrible and torturous, then in God's name  WHYYYYYY was I still miserable? Why did I dread getting up to go to work?

It took three years of me questioning myself, being in different jobs, having different experiences to find out just a few of the reasons:

a-I like to see immediate results, or at least feel like I'm actively contributing to improving something
Working in the government service HARDLY ever gives you the satisfaction of seeing your hard work come to fruition.

b- I HATE/ DETEST/LOATHE ENTIRELY waking up at 5 in the morning to get to work for 8 am. I live 8 km from where I work, tell me WHY I need to get up THREE entire hours in advance just to beat traffic???

c-I don't like suits. Yes, this is VERY important to my mental well-being

d-While I consider myself to be a people person and I'm friendly enough, I hate being forced to  interact with people. I like to interact with them on my terms.

e-I don't like people breathing down my neck. If you give me something to do, I'll get it done, stop hovering.

f-I value my free time; I HATED having to take my lunch hours to go shopping or to run necessary errands. Don't even ask me about coming to work on a Saturday.

g- I find diplomacy and hierarchy and international relations, rather tiresome and unnecessary so the UN/Foreign affairs job was a no-go. I also have no cover for my mouth, so I was sure to offend a diplomat within 24 hours of getting a job like that.

The last straw was when I got sick and could barely go to work, and then my contract ended and I was expected to find a job myself,

So I did

I became a hairdresser

This straight-A (for the most part) follows the conventional trajectory (secondary school-university-conventional job), supposed 'bright' convent girl became a hairdresser (le gasp!), the thing 'ghetto chicks' and people with no CXC passes do to make money

And you know what?

 I LOVE IT

and it happened in the most random way (will give you that story in another post)

Something I did for YEARS as a past time has now become my bread and butter, go figure..life is weird like that..

I get to blab about hair and hair products all day, I get to help people prepare for a special event, I get to educate people and help them see the beauty of natural hair and just how versatile it is People are amazed at the kinds of things natural kinky, coily and curly hair can do, all without the use of chemicals
I get to set my own times, I get to run errands, I wake up at 7, and it's the most glorious feeling in the world NOT to have to deal with traffic

Stress is a MAJOR factor in triggering flare ups of my conditions, and since I changed jobs, I've had significantly less of those.

I do not regret anything I have been through, especially working the desk job; I have learned a great deal from that. It's shown me what I do not want and what I can and cannot tolerate.

I wont rule out getting a 'real job', again, but it's not something I'm terribly excited about right now.

On your life journey you will encounter set backs; you may find yourself repeating the same mistakes. The thing is to keep questioning yourself, keep trying to figure out what you want from life and make a plan to get it.
You don't have to suffer through whatever it is forever and you certainly shouldn't do it to please your parents or to fulfill society's view of what the ideal should be.

Do your own damn thing!

I'm not saying to quit your day job or to move to the Canary Islands (but who's stopping you!); but if you are in a place that you don't want to be, make a plan to progressively get where you want to be. No it's not as simple as it sounds, but it's a start.

I may be in a positive place job-wise, but I still have other struggles, I'm still trying to figure out what I ultimately want from life career-wise among other things. Or maybe I'm not supposed to be in one career forever.

The journey is a fluid one, your wants and needs are constantly evolving and changing.. Just because you are comfortable/happy or even unhappy/frustrated with something now, doesn't mean it will be so for the rest of your life.

Keep striving, don't be alarmed that the trajectory isn't a linear one; the meandering road makes the journey all the more colourful!

As always I'd love to hear from you :)

xo

Renz

Image (c) Cameron Layne (my darling and greatest supporter!) You can check out some of his other work here:

131 Studios

My Health Story- Part 1

One of the main reasons I started this blog was to chronicle my health journey and maybe help someone out there who's having health problems and has tried conventional methods of dealing with it and perhaps it's not working. Well I'm here to suggest some alternative methods. This is also to get people to think more about what we put in our bodies seeing as even with all the studies that have been done, we still don't know what kind of long term effects all these medications and modified foods will have on our bodies.

So,

Let's start at the very beginning! (A very good place to start!)

 (if you caught the Sound of Music reference you get 10 cool points :P)

I was not a sickly child. I got the cold once in a while. One time, when we switched my my beloved Carnation powdered milk to Kerrygold, we all got sick from it cuz we didn't know we couldn't tolerate it. When I was a teen I discovered I suddenly had an allergy to shrimp. Otherwise I'd eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to (no need for the "omg ur so skinny and u can eat whatever you want" comment please, my metabolism is what it is; do get over it).

When I was in 6th form I started getting heartburn once in a while accompanied by chest pains. The solution: over the counter antacid, which tasted disgusting, but it worked.

Fast-forward to my 2nd semester at University. And after months of horrible eating at all kinds of weird hours, I suddenly started getting random queasy and upset stomach problems. Then in April 2007 I started feeling nauseous every time I ate, which made me basically eat very little, so I wouldn't feel sick (yes I know that's stupid).

I Went to the doctor and was told I probably had acid reflux and she prescribed some really strong Ogastro which made me feel even worse.

I was then put on a drug called Nexium and another one called Alocid.

I lost so much weight that year; it was depressing. When I came home I went to my GP and he put me on some kinda fizzy antacid tablet and another ppi (proton pump inhibitor..it basically stops your stomach's acid production..more on why that is crazy insane later). He advised me to cut out certain foods, which I did.
By the time I was ready to go back to school I had put back on the weight I lost and I was feeling great!

...Until about 3 weeks into the semester when the same thing started back again. I visited a gastroenterologist in Barbados who told me I had mild to moderate acid reflux and also prescribed Alocid. That and Dica became my best friends; anytime I felt sick I'd take one. So for the duration of my studies in Barbados I lived on Alocid and Dica and tried to avoid the trigger foods, but indulged once in a while, figuring I could 'balance it off" by taking some meds.

I figured I could manage my disease with medication and by avoiding certain 'trigger foods" ... boy was I wrong.

Things progressively got worse, I would be taking Dica 4-5 times a day, ppi's twice a day (cuz I discovered you could buy a certain brand over the counter without a prescription, so I was all too happy to get my meds cheaper).

Then disaster struck....unexpectedly..and it was debilitating...

One day in August 2011, while vacationing in B'dos I had what seemed to be a bad Teriyaki chicken sandwich from Subway and ended up with a mild case of gastro..so the doctors say..well that is what precipitated the worst case of a 'flare up' I've ever had. it lasted for WEEKS. I could barely eat anything. I was living on bread and butter or bread and jam, literally. The nausea lasted for hours on end. One morning, I went to bed at 5 am, because I couldn't sleep. I had had nausea that lasted from 11 pm the previous night. My stomach was roiling, my throat was burning and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I tried worked, no ginger tea, no antacid, nothing. At my wit's end I saw 2 doctors and a homeopathic doc in B'dos in the space of like a week and a half. The GP's told me, you have to give the nexium time to work. It can take up to two weeks. And I was like, but um it normally works in a day..this is 4/5 days later and it's not helping!! At my wit's end, I went to see a homeopathic doc. He told me I probably had a hiatial hernia (where part of the stomach ends up in the oesopahgus) and cuz I was masking the symptoms of my disease with so much medication, my body was rebelling and that's why nothing was working. He put me on magnesium tablets and and Aloe vera juice drink and showed me some massaging techniques for my stomach to aid digestion and alseo some and chest massages when I ate to help the food go down. And that day I had  a full meal, and I didn't feel horribly sick. I KID YOU NOT! I don't know if it was all in my mind, the placebo effect or what..but it worked!

..Until I got back home and started feeling sick again...this time I went to another doc, who swore up and down that I had an h.pylori (bacterial infection that causes acid reflux-like symptoms) infection and gave me some really strong medication..only for the tests to come back negative...I also did chest x rays, thryoid tests, blood tests...nothing major showed up. I went to another one who flooded my system with yet more antibiotics and ppi's...a third one did the same thing. Finally, in November 2011, I went to a GI specialist, thinking Imight really find out what's going on now. I did an endoscopy (they put a tube down ur throat to see what's going on) and the findings were that I had a slack esopahgeal sphincter msucle (hence why the acid was refluxing) and extraeosophageal acid reflux (basically I get symptoms that are atypical of a common reflux sufferer..in addition to chest pains and nausea and burning I also get throat spasms, a choking feeling in my throat, neck and shoulder pain, pain in my upper stomach, pain in my ribs, etc.), but I had to lesions, no ulcers, no abnormal stomach cells.  I also did a CT scan. Let me tell you, having hot dye shot through your veins while going though a rotating machine and having to lie completely still is the most horrible feeling in the WORLD! I have no idea how drug addicts can shoot things up their veins so regularly. I cannot do it. I cannot. Those tests also came back showing nothing serious.

So I was told ok you have extraoesophageal acid reflux AND IBS.

IBS?? where the hell did THAT come out from???

 IBS is basically what docs diagnose you with when they do a battery of tests and they cant figure out what the hell is wrong with you. So I was given more meds and basically told; no you're not dying, pull yourself together, it's not life threatening. you can live with this, just take the damn meds already!
I was put on some new IBS drug with did nothing for me and I was put on anti depressants. Let me tell you something about antidepressants. They mess with your hormones. You feel like you're going crazy. DO NOT take that shit. EVER.

So WHYYYYY was I feeling so sick if nothing major was wrong with me????

By now I was bloated from having my good gut bacteria wiped out from antibiotics, then I started having trouble sleeping. Plus I was getting horrible lower abdominal pain. Then in January 2012, I literally woke up one morning and started feeling dizzy. It's never stopped. To this day I suffer with chronic dizziness. I've learnt to basically ignore it and use techniques to minimize it. I however cannot be in a room with any loud or clashing prints. My head will go crazy.

It was then I made a decision. I was tired of doctors who I thought knew what they were doing, trying out experimental things on me. I realised that modern medicine is still largely a process of trial and error. You basically try to figure out what's going on based on symptoms and the tests that are available."We THINK this is what u MAY have, lets try different combinations of shit and figure out which one works, kay?" You're shooting in the dark.

I decided that I was going to figure out ON MY OWN just what the hell was wrong with my digestive system and how to fix it.

I have a theory about how I got to the point where my digestive system basically shut down. I was masking the symptoms of my conditions for years with ppi's and antacids,overusing them. Abusing them really. my body just couldn't take it anymore. If you stop or slow down or reduce acid production by taking ppi's your stomach can't digest food properly. Read here about the long term effect of ppi's on your body. Your stomach has to produce a certain amount of acid at a certain pH to digest he food and if it's not doing that, the food doesn't digest properly and it causes fermentation and the overgrowth of unfriendly bacteria in your system and intestinal permeability, which is commonly called leaky gut where undigested food passes into your blood stream. You body treats this food as an invader and hence why almost everything you eat makes you sick because your body is treating food like a foreign body.

I've been doing research for nearly 2 years and I have discovered a few things.

I first tried the gluten free diet, because I found out how gluten affects digestion and acid reflux.
I definitely felt better eating like this, but I wasn't feeling amazingly good. The I discovered that gluten free snacks can be just as bad as regular snacks and that gluten free products are just as processed and filled with GMO's (geneticallymodified organisms) as regular food.

So I did some more digging...

Then I discovered certain diets that were created specifically for people suffering with digestive diseases. The GAPS and SCDiet here and here and the Paleo community (check it out here) have been an absolute GODSEND!




The first two diets basically starve out the pathogens in your body and heal the gut lining. You have to follow the diets in addition to the use of supplements to help heal your digestive system.

I was REALLY skeptical about these diets cuz I didn't think I had the guts to give up the foods I loved so much. It was hard enough giving up all those delicious wheat flour treats and BREAD. OMG I love bread (and cakes and pastries, and basically anything that involves copious amounts of flour, sugar and eggs. Back in university, I was THE SNACK QUEEN. ANY time of day or night, I would have snacks to share with friends and family.)so much! It's only when you have to stop eating it that you realize just how much bread based food items we eat on a daily basis.

Navigating these diets was/is hard, I was at a total loss as to what to eat. Good thing I'm persistent. I figured out a meal plan and a protocol to follow. These diets are not for the faint of heart. It requires a TOTAL diet and lifestyle change. It also takes up to two years for your body to heal. There is no overnight success story here.

I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to tweak the diet to my needs. I'm not fully there yet. I also realise that I still have underlying problems that are not allowing my body to fully heal, even on these diets.

I am working with an osteopath/functional medicine specialist,  right now, doing some tests to find out if I'm suffering from any parasitic/bacterial infections, adrenal burnout and elevated cortisol levels.

I did a stool (tmi I know) and saliva test and sent them to a lab in the states (cuz regular labs don't do this kind of testing) so I'm expected to get my results soon. I then have to discuss it with my osteopath and then get advice as to how to proceed to treat whatever's wrong with me.

Anyway this is more than enough for now. If you have any questions or want further details, feel free to leave a lilttle note in the comments below :)

xo

Ren

p.s Tank top designed by Jessica of  Artemis Arts. Check her out. She's awesome.

Fear

Hi again!

Miss me?? (don't answer that lol)

Anyway,

Let's talk about fear today.

Heart-racing, nail-biting, paralysing fear.

Random fact: Did you know that the fear of failure is ranked as the number one human fear? It even beat out the fear of death. I kid you not (google it if you don't believe me!!)

Fear usually the thing that keeps us from doing that which we want to do.

I am, by nature, a scardey-cat. Anything that's out of the norm, terrifies me. I like routine; I like order, it keeps me sane.

I remember being terrified and NOT AT ALL excited to go to the pseudo amusement park in Chaguanas with the shaky 'roller'coaster' and the ferris wheel. I remember my Uncle and Aunt teasing me because of the look of sheer terror in my eyes when we were on the rides. I also remember my aunt telling me "Renee, c'mon, live a little".

I also remember a fellow classmate of mine from CAFD at UTT basically telling me I need to stop having such an aversion to risk, especially with my fashion choices. Hilarious I know, studying fashion and afraid to take a risk with my wardrobe. Unbelievable.

My boyfriend also told me once that I'm ruled by my fears...see the trend here?

My fear factor increased even further, when, two years ago I got really sick and none of the doctors (all SIX (6) of them in Trinidad and Barbados) could really figure out what was really wrong with me. I did test upon test and nothing really conclusive came back. The doctors made suggestions, but everything was just conjecture, educated guesses. It was a time of real confusion and depression, wondering if I was going to die. I was afraid to go out, afraid to eat, because I was just so terrified I'd get sick in the middle of an event. However after some time, I slowly started back doing things I used to do before I got sick and also, since I wasn't getting any answers from conventional methods, I decided I would take things into my own hands. I decided to stop relying on medication to suppress my symptoms, which anyone who's a life long pill popper knows is just absolutely terrifying. It's hard to give up control.

In the last year I have forced myself, to take risks. The Catholic church is celebrating the Year of Faith and I decided I would challenge myself to stop being so timid and afraid and well..step out in faith. Well I tell you, I have no regretted it one bit. The last year has enabled me to have some unbelievable experiences that I know I'd never have, had I not jumped off the proverbial deep end. I like control, taking a risk forces you to let go of that perceived control. You literally have to let go and let God. Trust that it will work out. And even if it doesn't..well at least you can say you tried.


Two major things I've done over the past year are :

Starting  my own business I started Renee's Natural Hair Styling and Braiding Services *shameless plug*
I have met and made friends with some of the most interesting and amazing clients! I have been able to do what I am passionate about for almost a year, and that is to educate, communicate and encourage people to love their natural kinky, coily and curly hair. I continued to be amazed when people find the right products for their hair or discover a new hairstyle or maintenance or hair care technique that has helped them. It's truly a blessing to be able to use my hands and heart in the service of others. Not many people can say that and not many people get to do what they love on a daily basis.

Volunteering for World Youth Day (WYD) in Brazil and getting to see the Christ the Redeemer Statue at Corcovado- IN PERSON, a really unforgettable experience. I harboured a vague desire to go to Brazil for the World Cup in 2014, wondeirng how on earth I'd pay for that experience. Instead I decided, since this was probably the closest WYD would EVER be to to Caribbean, I'd try to go as a volunteer for the WYD in Rio, which  I was able to do practically for free. I'll tell y'all about that in another blog post.

There's one more major leap I plan to take this year, for my health. It's been improving but it's not fully there yet and I know there's something that's holding me back. I have been putting it off, thinking I can deal with it; putting  it off for fear of upsetting others. But there comes a time when you have to take a stand, take control, do what's right for you. More details about this in yet another post.

I believe though that things happen for a reason and your experiences conspire to propel you to make certain leaps of faith when the time is right. Honestly, taking these kinds of gambles has really boosted my self confidence. My new motto is "try it, what have you got to lose?" And really, what HAVE you go to lose? You always learn something from each and every experience; be it positive or negative.

As usual I've blabbered on for far too long! Long story short, take a risk, you never know what the outcome might be. You may have just precipitated the beginning of a wonderful and unforgettable journey to discovering a new talent or honing an existing one. You also learn more about and develop yourself in the process. You may discover that you're just not good at something, or you might make a life long friend, develop a key relationship. You just never know.

So fight the fear, take a risk..what have you got to lose?

Till next time!

xo

Ren

HELLO AND WELCOME!

HI!

My name's Renee. I decided to start this blog just to share my thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, as a Catholic, natural- hair obsessed girl who loves clothes and is also dealing with three chronic conditions. I hope maybe my musings/ramblings, and the information I share might help/inspire or even entertain someone.


Let's get started with a few random facts about me:

I'm the oldest of 8 (yeah, gasp, omg, so many, wow etc.) I don't think it's that big of a deal. Being in a big family is never boring, I'll give you that.
I hold a B.A. in French with Management studies, but I'm a hairdresser (hence the title of the blog)
Yes, I speak fluent French.
No, I will not now say something in French for you, just 'cuz you asked :P
I have 3 chronic conditions: (acid reflux, Irritable bowel Syndrome (aka IBS) and  dizziness)
I drink tea with a spoon. (Like I sip the tea off the spoon, never dirnk it straight form the mug)
I love my niece like she's my daughter.
I have never chemically straightened my hair. Ever. (yes I know I should probably have my black card revoked)
I now rock dreadlocks. Best. Decision. Ever!
My favourite word is "SALE". I have never met a sale I did not like.
Oh yeah. I'm from Trinidad, but I'm probably an honorary Barbadian by now (on account of the numerous trips I make there, love that place!)
the word "bakes" crawls my blood. Please kindly DO NOT repeat that word around me, thanks!
I get more excited giving other people presents than receiving them myself.

I think  I've blagged quite enough!

Till next time!

xo

Ren