...And Baby Makes 3..The #pregnancydiaries My Pregnancy Journey Part 1

"Oh f**k"

"No,no,no,no,no,no"

"dammit"

"Haoooowwww did this happen?? I thought I was so careful?? So much for NFP, Steupse"

Ohhmigawddd now I have to go through, labour!!

"Am I going to be a good parent? What de a** I really know bout minding a child eh?"

"What about morning sickness? Lord, you know I cannot DEAL with feeling sick"

"Oh god, why now???!!"

"But I had plans, Lord!!! I eh even finish paying off my student loan yet. Yuh mean yuh couldn't wait till after that??"

"shit, shit, shit"

"Oh Jesus, how do I tell my husband???!!"


I do believe those were some of my first thoughts when I saw those two pink lines, one strong and bold and the other ever so faint, on a pregnancy test I had taken just three minutes earlier.

Then came denial...

"These things does be wrong sometimes you know, lemme get a second one to make sure."

Got a second test, different brand. Same result.

"Shit"

Then came even MORE denial.

"Well lemme schedule a doctor's appointment. We still dunno if it's true..she will confirm for sure."

...and it was confirmed two days later by the doctor.

I was indeed pregnant.

Lord help me.

Dear God

On the surface, it would seem as though the conditions were right for a pregnancy; I'm married, we make a decent living, and most importantly *cue eyeroll*, the people had been hounding us for the better part of five years to 'make a child' would finally get their wish. Everybody somehow knew we'd be great parents. I've been told often I'd be a great mom, I already have the 'experience' of playing mummy as the oldest of eight. I know what it is to be responsible for others, as I'd been doing it practically all my life, yet I just didn't think I was ready. The truth is, you're never really ready. When you have to face the reality of the sheer magnitude of the task the Lord is asking you to undertake...you absolutely do not feel capable of handling such a monumental task.

Yet, I've always wanted children. I knew from age 7 that I was going to be a mummy. However, as I grew up, and time passed, I figured I'd be one of those older mothers, having my first child at age 35, after I had ticked a few more life accomplishments off my list.In fact, just a few months earlier, drawn up a grand plan to expand my business and engage in a re-branding campaign and had started binge research planning a cruise for my husband and I. Welp, pregnancy threw a big ol' wrench in ALL of that.

As the saying goes: man plans and God laughs.

This pregnancy has humbled me and it has tested me.

It has humbled me because I have been put on blast. I've always been a pro-life advocate, largely due to the circumstances surrounding my own genesis. My parents chose to keep me. I could not in good conscience, choose otherwise for my own. This was a test of my pro-life stance. "Yuh could talk de talk, but can you walk the walk?" "Put yuh money where yuh mouth is now nah." Take dat. As a Catholic, one of your vows is to be open to having children. However, theory and reality are two vastly different things. I was now having to live up to the promise I made in front of God and 90 odd witnesses. I always thought, rather smugly, that I could handle pregnancy and childcare, because I'd been through it, vicariously, so many times with my mother. As the oldest of eight, I had this on lock.

Not. At. ALL. Me, Mz Independent, now had to rely on others for help and advice, I could no longer do it all. I was peppering my pregnant friends, my sisters and mother with questions about this new and strange phase of my life. Like Jon Snow, I knew NOTHING.

It has tested my sanity, my patience, my relationship with my husband (putting up with a wildly hormonal woman is no easy task), my relationship with the Lord; my physical and mental fortitude. It has made me completely re-evaluate what I want out of life. It has made me question myself and my capabilities.

Pregnancy is a time when you have to contend with both physical, emotional and mental changes. I must say I have had a fairly 'easy' pregnancy, physically because I had no morning sickness, I didn't put on any excessive weight and I was able to work through the entire time. However, the mental shift was waayyyy more difficult for me. You have to come to terms with the fact that you are now responsible for a whole other life; you have to come to terms with the changes your body is going through, and you also have to explain said changes (complete with pictures and video) to your husband and hope he understands.

I do not deal well with change. I have problems with question marks and unknowns. I am a control freak and a planner and strategist by nature. I was depressed for months. There was this constant cloud over me. This was not in my plan (yet). I had very little control over my body and my emotions. I didn't feel like myself.  I had many, many arguments with God about why He would do this to me, to us, now.

Then I saw a video a few days after the American presidential election that completely snapped me out of my funk. I felt as if the cloud over me had been completely lifted. The Lord uses people to speak to you, especially when you're mired in self pity and don't have the capacity to listen when He speaks to you directly.

One of my favourite you-tubers bronzegoddess01 made a video about the aftermath of the election and in it she addressed the despair that people were feeling. Basically she said that it doesn't matter who is in charge, or what situation you find yourself in or what the country is going through, if you say you are a believer and you trust in the Lord, then there is no room for despair. He will provide a way.
My mind was completely blown. Here I was despairing, even after the countless times the Lord has shown me His faithfulness; still doubting that he'd see me and my family through this next unknown stage of our lives. The bottom line: I have to trust the Lord. Completely. Even though I may not be seeing the whole picture.

So as a way of keeping myself positive and  maintaining my sanity, I started chronicling my experiences via the #pregnancydiaries hashtag, just as a humorous way to kind of vent about what I was going through, but also to put it in perspective over time and also to make people laugh. I know my experience is not a unique one; it's one shared by millions of women around the world, but knowing there are women and men in my little network than can identify with an appreciate all the ups and downs of the journey makes it all the more bearable.

This pregnancy has also been filled with unexpected medical diagnoses, unanticipated costs and yet my son and I still prevail. It has also been filled with amazing kindness, support and generosity when I least expected it.. but that's another story for another day ;)

Stay tuned for Part 2.

Hopefully D day is soon!

I like to Move it, move it- NO not really..

Otherwise known as "Love made me do it"

This week, I'm taking a break from my Rio story to talk about something else.

Don't worry, there will be a part 3 ...eventually.. :D

I love to travel, I haven't done it all that much, but I have a bucket list of places I want to visit before I die. And I'm determined to make it happen, by God's grace. If He can get me to Brazil, I'm quite sure He can get me to Japan in 2020, to watch my sister Maria take part in the Olympics there (I'm claiming it!)

But anyway..I've always wanted to travel for as long as I can remember...but when I was younger, I just never considered it as something I'd be able to do with much regularity...which is kinda hilarious when you consider I was flying back and forth between Trinidad and Barbados 3-4 times a year,

I'm not entirely sure what made me want to study in Barbados, I don't know if it was the time my mother went there to mark CXC exams or because I had wanted to study law at one time and found out that you have to do two years of study there, but I was certain that I wanted to go to the Cave Hill campus. So much so that I applied to exactly two universities. Cave Hill and another university in the U.S. I didn't even consider St Augustine. My reasoning at the time was that the St Augustine Campus was too dreary...totally valid right? Also, they didn't offer the subject combination I wanted to study at the St. Augustine campus, so that was further confirmation that I should go to Barbados.

But also, I just knew in my heart that there was something special for me in that campus/country. Little did I  know it would turn out to be my husband. Long story short, I met my husband while studying in Barbados in 2007, we were in a long distance relationship for almost 8 years (I have do also do a post on that as well) and I was flying back and forth between Trinidad and Barbados 3-4 times a year. Ent I wanted to travel regularly? Take dat!

We got married in February this year. So, yes, technically I'm a newlywed lol. We had discussed a long time ago that I would be the one to move, because as I'm self employed, I am more flexible. Also, no offense to Trinidad, but I feel like Barbados is a little more family oriented than Trinidad and I'd prefer to raise our children here. So amidst all the wedding planning we also set a date for me to move, cue the excitement!

Moving to Barbados to study was somewhat of a challenge, as I'd never lived abroad before. Moving back home, was less of a challenge, mainly because my mother helped me pack (i.e did most of the packing). However, moving there for good, was just insane.

Moving makes you realise just how much of a hoarder you are. And how much JUNK you keep for absolutely no good reason. I mean, if you haven't used it since University, you really think you gonna find a use for it in the next ten years? THROW IT AWAY!

You would not believe, but after almost ten years of travelling between Trinidad and Barbados, you'd think I'd get the hang of packing right?

NOPE

I still have an entire box of stuff that has to be shipped from Trinidad, because I underestimated (as always) what could fit in my suitcases.

I should really have brought across more stuff on my many visits to Barbados, so as to make the final process much easier. But as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

So let me tell you how moving 15 boxes of stuff to Barbados went.

I was trying to find a freight company that would ship it fairly cheaply and I came across Tropical Shipping. So I contacted them, explained that I was migrating and enquired about the process. It sounded simple enough.

Of course Renee cannot ever go through a process without some sort of drama...

I got the schedule for the days the ship was to sail for Barbados. The rule was, the items to be shipped had to be in the warehouse (somewhere past the lighthouse..also known as Point Lisas ) by the Monday of the week of the sailing, as the boat sails on a Thursday. Ok no problem.

And I thought that was it..

Not a chance of that!

Two Mondays before I am due to leave, I show up at the head office in town to make my payment and to get proper directions as to where their warehouse is located. I give them my name and the invoice number and everybody watching me all confused...amm ma'am..were are your export documents? We don't have anything from you.

WHAT???!!!

Kindly explain thyselves please dear sirs....

Them- Well..you're supposed to have shipping documents and a bill of lading...you have a broker?
Me- A who??
Me- but I was emailing a member of your company for weeks and I enquired about the process and she told me to do xyz and I did it.

Them: Ok lemme put you on to a broker.
They call a broker named Mario who was a complete GODSEND and who explained the new process to me.

Apparently, the regulations for shipping items out of the country (export) have changed. Back in 2009, when I was shipping my stuff back to Trinidad, all you had to do was show up at the port and they'd put your things on the Caricom boat, hand you some documents, give you the name of the freight company in Trinidad who would give you some more documents to take to the port and you'd collect your stuff, pay the fees and go home. Easy ent?

Not so anymore.

Now all exporters must register with the ministry of trade and be in their database and get some number to be able to export stuff. And of course, due to gov't bureaucracy, it takes two entire days to apply and get approved. So, we had to do this entire process and get it sorted in a week, because there was only one Monday left before I migrated, and those boxes had to be on that boat come hell or high water. And I intimated as much to Mario. So he acted as my broker and got the documents.

The next adventure, trying to find the warehouse in Point Lisas with my dad. My father does drive all over Trinidad, he know plenty places, but hadn't been in Point Lisas in a while, so neither of the tow of us had a clue where we were going. Thank Gd Mario agreed to help us out. And with all of that we STILL managed to get lost...

But we found Mario and  get to the port at Point Lisas...except we weren't supposed to conduct the transaction at the port...it was supposed to be at the shipping company's warehouse location...and we found this out after waiting in line..for near two hours...

So another set of driving in circles until we found the warehouse and got more documents and got the items on a pallet to be shipped. And just in time too!

What a day that was!

Thank God as always, that everything worked out!


So with all that said,

Here are some tips for moving:

• Plan ahead
• Make a list of items you absolutely will keep.
• THROW USELESS STUFF AWAYYYYY!
• Think about how you normally go about your day and make a list of things you use, it will help you to better plan what to pack vs what to throw away. Trust me. I have things I left in Trinidad that I really want right now and there's stuff I brought and I don't know why I did...
• Get a good  broker if you're going to ship abroad
• Find out all the information before hand, ask plenty questions

That's all for now!

xo

Renz

Trying to wear lipstick. Found this gorgeous purple.
Siren from NYX

ps. I am going to TRY to post once a week.

pps. Christmas is coming!! MY FAVE TIME OF YEAR!!!

My Journey to Rio; The Adventure Continues- Part 2

Because God provides

Today is the feast of St. John Paul the Great y'all!!

Also known as Pope John Paul II..just in case you weren't sure who I was talking about.

There's a quote from him that I think is quite fitting for this post and is something that should inspire us and motivate us instead of terrifying us. Don't be afraid to walk with God.

Right..so where was I?

After 24 hours of travelling, we finally arrived in Rio!

...but not without drama...


I did mention that I had prepared meals in advance right? I had cans of tuna (sounds innocent enough, not so?), some cauliflower wraps, some steamed ground provision, some dried seasoning, some fruits and some stewed turkey wings. Everything was already cooked or canned.

All was well in the food department until we got into Brazil...

Apparently in my research on Brazil, I didn't realize just how strict they were about bringing food into their country. Of course we Trinis are masters at smuggling food in. but I..rather naively I suppose, declared that I had food, but I figured, well it was cooked, so it shouldn't be a big deal right?

EH HEH??

Well, they confiscated my fruits, dried seasoning, ALL MY MEAT, INCLUDING the cans of TUNA. I was left with the cauliflower wraps and I think some ground provision. Of course I protested, in my halting Portuguese, but to no avail. I had to watch an agent spray some blue chemical all over my food and declare it destroyed.

I. WAS. DEVASTATED.

If I could have lain down on the ground and bawl I'd have done it. My food, which was supposed to get me through the first few days was GONE. Not just gone, chemically sprayed into oblivion.

I frantically messaged Rosemary about what had happened, and her ever so calm response was "Don't worry about that, God will provide". If allyuh could have seen my face when I read that eh!! Don't worry that all my food was gone and I was in an unknown country with basically nothing to eat?!! Hello, remember me? The one with the digestive conditions? I can't just run into a McDonald's or a KFC at the airport you know.

Anyway, once I composed myself, and had my cauliflower wraps, (which were absolutely delicious might I add) we got a taxi and tried to give him directions to where we were staying, while also trying to contact our hosts.

The first image we saw of the Christ the Redeemer statue, backlit in the night was absolutely BREATHTAKING! No amount of pictures and videos does justice to actually seeing it in person. I would totally make another trip JUST to go back to see the statue.

We arrived at our place of lodging for the next few days until we were to separate to the parishes/locations to which we were assigned. Excited, we decided one time to take a lil walk around the neighbourhood with our host to check out the area...and not even two stores down the road was a FRUIT SHOP!

I was staying two doors down, from a FRUIT SHOP.

Allyuh hear nah! God mussy was laughing at me for despairing.

We rounds the next corner, lo and behold another grocery, one that opens late and on literally every corner there was a juice bar. Brazilians are health fanatics and their juice bars or Sucos, are world renowned for their crazy flavour combinations. EVERY SINGLE THING in the sucos is fresh; there is no syrup in a bottle being mashed up with ice and being labelled a "smoothie". They have the fruits artfully arranged and you just tell them what combination you want or you choose from their extensive menu.

The next day we went to an English mass at the beautiful Nossa Senhora da Copacabana Church (Our Lady of Copacabana). And then we went to an open air market. Now Brazilian open air markets are not like the ones we know about in Trinidad. First of all, they let you TASTE THE FOOD. Once you approach a stall, they will cut off a piece of whatever you're looking at so you can taste it and show you that it's good quality. Secondly you can pay BY CARD! There were point of sale machines, in the market!

Check the spread nah! A container of strawberries cost 6 tt!

look the mango cut for you to taste!

If you see people!

Nossa Senhora Da Copacabana Church

Front Entrance to the Church

At our guest house

After two days of roaming about Copacabana, it was time for us to head to the Basilica to find out where we would be placed, location wise. We had already been informed previously what general areas we'd be working in. Stevie was in "communications", Akil was in "sections and tents" and I was placed in the "French catechesis sessions" because I speak fluent French. The catechesis sessions were broken down by language to accommodate all of the different countries. Of course I was just super excited about that because I got to speak French all day, something I hardly ever get to do.

Of course you want me to tell you that everything went perfectly; we went to the Basilica and we received our location placement and were whisked off to our new lodgings right?

WRONG!

More drama!

As the day wore on, it became painfully clear that some of us had no place to stay. The organisers were using a rather rudimentary system (an excel spreadsheet) which contained the placements of THOUSANDS of volunteers. And there were several spreadsheets and they had to find the right one so that we would know where we'd been placed. And some of us were not in the system. Most of us who has been misplaced (ha ha) were in the language section. Evening turned into night and the numbers dwindled. They told us we'd find out where we were placed the next day when we went to collect our volunteer packages. So some people were saying well we'll just sleep in the church. However, the parish priest was having none of that; we couldn't sleep in the church. So of course panic was setting in now! We definitely needed somewhere to stay. Suddenly, this lady showed up and started rounding us up and telling us, we can sleep at her house, just follow her, so I'm thinking, what house could possibly be big enough to hold all thirty-something of us.

So I said, well at least I have somewhere for the night, thank God.

A metro ride and a short walk later we arrive at her 'house'

The woman lived in a PENTHOUSE APARTMENT! With a rooftop jacuzzi and an UNINTERRUPTED VIEW of The Christ the Redeemer statue! If you see that place! Three bathrooms, a massive living room, a huge kitchen. It was unbelievable.

What is the lesson here, class?

GOD ALWAYS PROVIDES!

Pressed down, shaken together and running over allyuh!

Please ignore the snow animation. I have no idea how that got there.
Trying to transfer pics from the Cloud via multiple devices results in this weirdness

One HALF of the living room area

View of Christ the Redeemer from the rooftop My camera didn't do it justice at all

My Polish friend and I taking selfies

I thought it could write this story in two parts, but clearly a part three is needed!


Stay tuned for the rest of my adventures in Rio!


xo

Renz

My Journey to Rio for World Youth Day- Part 1

Otherwise known as, God ALWAYS provides:)


I've been meaning to publish this for nearly TWO years now...

But better late than never right ?? *toothy grin*


Now I'v been hearing about World Youth day for YEARSSS..When I was first told about it at Church, I was too young to go and of course when I heard the cost I thought to myself: "well hmph,..doubt I'll ever find myself at one of those" and, "How could they POSSIBLY raise all that money??!!"

So I basically put it out of my mind..but the thing is, as a foreign language afficionado, I love to travel and I LOVE experiencing other cultures...I have a bucket list of places and foreign immersion experiences I MUST have before I die. I remember joking with my (then boyfriend) husband the year before about going to Brazil for World Cup..little did I know...

Fast forward to November/December 2012, I saw a post about signing up for World Youth Day Rio as a pilgrim or Volunteer. Curious, I clicked on the volunteer sign up and saw that they provided everything (accommodation, meals, transport) and you just had to find money for the plane ticket and the volunteer package. I talked to some fellow church members to find out what the experience at WYD was like and became even more tempted to apply. Additionally I had studied Brazilian culture at university, so it was appealing on several levels; because I'd get to experience a different language and culture, as well as fulfiling my curiosity as to whether all those things I learned about Brazil was true.

I thought to myself..hmm...I wonder if I could raise that money in 7 months boy???..well let me apply, the worst they could do is decline my application to be a volunteer..

Now mind you, at this time I had just started my business, so WHAT ON EARTH I really doing planning a pilgrimmage to Brazil, while managing a startup eh? My reasoning was, well I dunno how long I'm going to be in the business, but now I'm actually able to arrange my schedule MYSELF so that I can take the time off, instead of having to beg my superiors for the time, so really, why not? And for some reason I felt compelled to go to this particular WYD event. Also, other than the US, it really wasn't  going to be any closer to the Caribbean than Brazil any time soon. So I applied.

In December I got a letter stating that I was indeed chosen as a volunteer and I'd have to submit some other documents accepting the position and they' provide further information on training and the timeline and other things that would be required.

*cue excitement*

*Proceeds to google search cost of plane tickets to Brazil* ...

But where I finding 10-12 grand for a plane ticket? And I don't want to go through the US..

Talking to my mother about the money issue, she was like "Why you worried about that? You get through to be a volunteer, God will provide". Listen eh allyuh, to say my mother is my biggest supporter is the UNDERSTATEMENT of the MILLENNIUM!!

I swear to you, if I told my mother I wanted to be the President of Saturn, Uranus, Neptune AND Mars, she would not bat an eyelash. In fact, she would probably start making plans for the installation of family quarters in the presidential suite for each planetary location.

The following January for my birthday, she gave me an envelope with some money in it, marked "Road to Rio" to start me on my savings. Unwavering support I tell you.

As time progressed, I met six other people who were planning to go as volunteers. This was the largest "volunteer posse" ever from Trinidad, as most people go as pilgrims. There was nothing in place by the Archdiocese to help those of us who chose to go as volunteers, so we had to basically figure out everything on our own.


February arrived and we decided to meet up and really start planing and preparing for our pilgrimmage to Rio. We  were supported mainly by Rosemary of the Living Water Community who provided A TONNE of help, in terms of spiritual, financial and emotional support. People like to talk about people in the Church being judgmental and stingy and unsupportive. That was not my experience on this occasion. They put their necks on the line for us many times, never once questioning the financial feasibility of the kind of money they put out or whether they would even get a return on their investment. They fronted the money when we decided to hold a fundraising concert. They PAID for our tickets long before we were able to finish raising the money to pay for said tickets. They sent out letters on our behalf requesting donations to help us get to Rio. In fact, on the very day we left Rosemary received a cheque which covered the money they had put out and then some. We even had spending money! Do not underestimate the power of a coin drive!

I talk about this as if it was all smooth sailing, but it was five months of plenty prayers, plenty begging for donations and plenty support too. The seven volunteers was whittled down to three; and of the three of us, one guy wasn't even sure he would be able to go as he had started a new job and was still on probation. The planning, organising and execution of the fundraising concert was another challenge, mainly done by Volunteer Stephen who specialises in such events. (btw check out his page here). Did I mention during all of that my sister had a baby like three days after the concert with a false alarm the night of the concert? See me driving up to the hospital at midnight with her and my mother in tow.

And while I was excited to go, I was unsure of how I'd manage my diet there as I had only started the paleo/SCD diet that February. Being in a foreign place where you don't speak the language very well is a challenge for people with normal digestive systems, far less when you have a sensitive one. How do you say "I have food allergies" in Portuguese? But I had a sort of plan and I trusted that the Lord would work out the rest.

D-day-July 12th, 2013, we ready to go ! Or were we?? Mind you we had done some preparation, but we really didn't know what to expect. We were literally going with God..

And thus began the journey to Brazil..we had to travel from Trinidad to Suriname, then Suriname to Belem in the north of Brazil and then the longest leg (because Brazil is massively huge) from Belem to Rio in the south..

Three planes and almost 24 hours later...

At the airport

My Brazil inspired nails

We met a friend who was travelling on his own as a pilgrim

Stay tuned for Part 2 :)

xo

Renz

Fun with Food! When you can't have the traditional stuff

Hello there!

I know it's been absolute AGESSS!!

But I can totally explain...

Well I got married, moved to another country..and had to start my salon business all over again..but more on that in another blog post...(after all, I have to get you to come back to this blog somehow right ;))

I put up a post on Facebook today and I was reminded of how much I have been shirking my blogging duties, so I decided to finish one of the four drafts that have been sitting here forever...

But I digress...

Today we're going to talk about one of my favourite things, FOOD!

And although it may not look so, for those of you who know how 'long and lingay' I am.. I LOVE FOOD!

So most of you all know I'm on a special diet to control my IBS and acid reflux...and I get asked all the time " Ermahgerdd!! so what CAN you eat??!!"

The answer...lots of things..they just happen to not be processed foods..

One of the most painful things about this diet however, was having to give up sweets and pastries; I have a notorious sweet tooth, and I was known as the "snack machine" at university. Anybody could pass by me any hour of the day or night for something to eat.

Soo I can't have delicious jam, jelly, sugar, cheese and custard filled pastries, or ice cream, or cake, or...anything...conventional..

But I'm telling you, it's possible to have goodies even on a restricted diet..or even if you just want to have nice goodies but without all those processed flours and additives that usually go into such things..

You just have to be open to using unconventional ingredients or typical ingredients in new ways. You also have to understand that it's probably not going to taste like conventional food items, but that isn't necessarily  a bad thing. I find it actually tastes better :P..but I'm biased...

So since discovering alternative flours..such as plantain, sweet poatato, cassava, tapioca and coconut flour, I have been having a TIME making paleo goodies..I also now have a pinterest board that I create every year with my paleo Christmas menu. Yes this is serious business!

I have other boards on there with paleo real food recipes for everything under the sun :) I could make something different every day and never be bored for the rest of my life...literally...


Did you know you can make pastelle from PLANTAIN?!!

Yes that's right!
This is the recipe right here!

Now conventional flours do not work like regular ol' wheat flour, and there are many blog posts that explain how they work and talk about ratios and all those fun math cooking calculations (so exciting!)..but I like things that have been tried and tested so I usually just follow a recipe from a well known paleo blogger who has put out a cookbook...because recipe testing with alternative flours is expensive, and the way my wallet is set up...well you ketch my drift... me can't afford to waste a bag of flour trying ah ting...

Pictured: some muffins I made a while back. I think they were banana

..annd when I'm feeling extra lazy and want some goodies that taste EXACTLY like good ole conventional flour and sugar filled cakes and pastries and whatever other dessert I feel like having, I just call up my girl Nathalia Lee of Pink Chef Catering. When I tell you, people CYANNOTH tell the difference! She is amazing and she can make ANYTHING to suit your specific dietary needs. She makes ROTI, you hearing me, ROTI from alternative flours and BUSS UP SHUT TOO!!!! You can hit her up at 1-868-752-8528 or email her at nathalialee@yahoo.com. Oh and she's also at the Upmarket every month. Well now that I'm in another country I shall have to find another grain free baker...but that's ok..I usually only have those things on special occasions anyway...


So bottom line..have fun with food...try something different..yuh might like it!

xo

Renz

p.s I dyed my hair purple a few months ago..but I'm bored with the colour so I'll probably change it..will probably do a blog post on that when I do :)

Eleven Random Things

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I knowwwww I haven't posted in absolutely FOREVER and I deserve all blame. I went on Christmas vacation and came back and never got around to starting back my blogging. But that is going to change!

I thought I'd start off with a blog game I saw recently (Thanks Detoxinista!) where I post 11 random things about myself and then answer 11 other random questions

SO here are 11 Random Things about me:

1. I'm only 5 ft 8.5 inches, but people think I'm taller cuz 'm skinny.

2. I cannot STAND the word "bakes" it edges my teeth and prickles my skin.

3. I don't like to let cars filter in when I'm in traffic, Yes I'm an aggressive driver and a road hog.

4. I have very little patience with slow people. (Does that make me a bad person?)

5. I detest having to explain things to people more than once. It drives me INSANE.

6. I am a grammar NAZI. I have unfollowed  and hidden people from my newsfeed people because of spelling and grammatical errors in their posts.

7. I am a super klutz and somehow manage to cut my hands frequently and not know how said injury came to be there.

8. I follow the SCDiet and don't eat snacks because I have zero self control. If I start, I won't be able to stop.

9. I'm a control freak. I like to know exact dates, places and times and trajectories. I'm always planing something cause I hate uncertainty. Which is hilarious considering I'm self employed.

10. I once ate ice cream topped with salt prunes.

11. I used to be a Brownie.



AAaaaaaaaaaaaand the 11 random questions....

1. What’s the meal you eat most often?

I eat pretty much the same thing everyday actually. My diet is rather limited at this time, so it goes like this:

Ground provision (root vegetables, for y'all non Caribbean people) some steamed greens or veggies (usually patchoi, green beans or carrots/squash) and some kind of baked or grilled meat. I'm slowly reintroducing other foods.

2. What’s your favorite movie of all time?

THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY (YES IT COUNTS AS ONE MOVIE!)

3. What made you want to start a blog?

Wanted to get my thoughts and feelings 'out there' and a forum to chronicle my health and life journey and also to reflect on things that have happened to me.

4. Do you have any pets?

No, I killed him. RIP Charlie the parakeet (shut up Cameron!)

5. What’s your favorite workout?

I need to start back, as I totally fell off the wagon and rolled away. 
But I like squats; they make my butt look bigger :)


6. Name one thing on your “bucket list.”

Touring Europe

7.Name one “weird” thing that you do.

When I walk up a flight of stairs, I always start counting them.

8. Your favorite city/place to visit?

Barbados :)

9.Anywhere you still dream of visiting?

France and Italy

10. Best purchase you’ve ever made?

MY CROCK POT!

11.What’s the one thing you would change in the world, if you could?

Racism.


Tag! You're it!

xo

Renz

Two of my sisters and I at  the launch of a  new treatment line by Soft-Sheen Carson.

The Winding Road

Hi!


I know it's been FOREVER! I do apologise! I never seem to be able to cook enough food to last me a week and I find myself having to cook something almost every night, so a lot of my nights are taken up with preparing my food, cuz I don't eat anything that comes in a box, carton, package or can

I make every single thing I eat from scratch

#yayme

...but I digress

Let's get right in to today's post

There's a meme that talks about success that looks a lil something like this

I can most certainly attest to this

My life's journey thus far has taken me all over the place, and I don't think that's a bad thing.

When I finished University, I swore up and down I was going to be some big international manager somewhere (I even got accepted to a International Management Masters programme) where I'd get to speak French; or a translator or work for the UN or in Foreign Affairs

Then reality hit; I couldn't afford to pay for a masters programme, and I was bonded to the government through my scholarship and I had to serve FIVE years obligatory service (which seems liek eternity, when it actuality....yeah, it is), so what next?

Get a job, right?

So i was given a job, not remotely related to anything I studied..and then what I like to call post university depression set in, where you find out that getting a university degree doesn't count for peas in the real world

So there I was, a graduate, doing nothing I was remotely interested in, wondering, where on earth do I go from here? Is it even possible to move on from this place?

Sometimes you find yourself in a situation and you're wondering, why the HELL am I really here, what is the purpose of this? Oh believe me, I've been there, numerous times, for years, asking myself, what REALLY is the purpose of my life? Am I doomed to suffer in this godforsaken position, job, etc FOREVER??!!

Well I'm here to tell you, the period of darkness, the period of despair, confusion, depression, loneliness, frustration; it's absolutely necessary; it pushes to you your limit. It makes you search yourself and find out what you really want, it makes you question your priorities, your ideals, why you want what you want, what you're good at, what you aren't good at, what you will or won't tolerate.

I spent three years in a desk job at various government ministries and I was MISERABLE, and you know what the worst part was?

My coworkers were some of the BEST people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I had great supervisors/bosses for the most part; some with whom I'm still friendly

So if my working environment wasn't completely horrible and torturous, then in God's name  WHYYYYYY was I still miserable? Why did I dread getting up to go to work?

It took three years of me questioning myself, being in different jobs, having different experiences to find out just a few of the reasons:

a-I like to see immediate results, or at least feel like I'm actively contributing to improving something
Working in the government service HARDLY ever gives you the satisfaction of seeing your hard work come to fruition.

b- I HATE/ DETEST/LOATHE ENTIRELY waking up at 5 in the morning to get to work for 8 am. I live 8 km from where I work, tell me WHY I need to get up THREE entire hours in advance just to beat traffic???

c-I don't like suits. Yes, this is VERY important to my mental well-being

d-While I consider myself to be a people person and I'm friendly enough, I hate being forced to  interact with people. I like to interact with them on my terms.

e-I don't like people breathing down my neck. If you give me something to do, I'll get it done, stop hovering.

f-I value my free time; I HATED having to take my lunch hours to go shopping or to run necessary errands. Don't even ask me about coming to work on a Saturday.

g- I find diplomacy and hierarchy and international relations, rather tiresome and unnecessary so the UN/Foreign affairs job was a no-go. I also have no cover for my mouth, so I was sure to offend a diplomat within 24 hours of getting a job like that.

The last straw was when I got sick and could barely go to work, and then my contract ended and I was expected to find a job myself,

So I did

I became a hairdresser

This straight-A (for the most part) follows the conventional trajectory (secondary school-university-conventional job), supposed 'bright' convent girl became a hairdresser (le gasp!), the thing 'ghetto chicks' and people with no CXC passes do to make money

And you know what?

 I LOVE IT

and it happened in the most random way (will give you that story in another post)

Something I did for YEARS as a past time has now become my bread and butter, go figure..life is weird like that..

I get to blab about hair and hair products all day, I get to help people prepare for a special event, I get to educate people and help them see the beauty of natural hair and just how versatile it is People are amazed at the kinds of things natural kinky, coily and curly hair can do, all without the use of chemicals
I get to set my own times, I get to run errands, I wake up at 7, and it's the most glorious feeling in the world NOT to have to deal with traffic

Stress is a MAJOR factor in triggering flare ups of my conditions, and since I changed jobs, I've had significantly less of those.

I do not regret anything I have been through, especially working the desk job; I have learned a great deal from that. It's shown me what I do not want and what I can and cannot tolerate.

I wont rule out getting a 'real job', again, but it's not something I'm terribly excited about right now.

On your life journey you will encounter set backs; you may find yourself repeating the same mistakes. The thing is to keep questioning yourself, keep trying to figure out what you want from life and make a plan to get it.
You don't have to suffer through whatever it is forever and you certainly shouldn't do it to please your parents or to fulfill society's view of what the ideal should be.

Do your own damn thing!

I'm not saying to quit your day job or to move to the Canary Islands (but who's stopping you!); but if you are in a place that you don't want to be, make a plan to progressively get where you want to be. No it's not as simple as it sounds, but it's a start.

I may be in a positive place job-wise, but I still have other struggles, I'm still trying to figure out what I ultimately want from life career-wise among other things. Or maybe I'm not supposed to be in one career forever.

The journey is a fluid one, your wants and needs are constantly evolving and changing.. Just because you are comfortable/happy or even unhappy/frustrated with something now, doesn't mean it will be so for the rest of your life.

Keep striving, don't be alarmed that the trajectory isn't a linear one; the meandering road makes the journey all the more colourful!

As always I'd love to hear from you :)

xo

Renz

Image (c) Cameron Layne (my darling and greatest supporter!) You can check out some of his other work here:

131 Studios

My Health Story- Part 1

One of the main reasons I started this blog was to chronicle my health journey and maybe help someone out there who's having health problems and has tried conventional methods of dealing with it and perhaps it's not working. Well I'm here to suggest some alternative methods. This is also to get people to think more about what we put in our bodies seeing as even with all the studies that have been done, we still don't know what kind of long term effects all these medications and modified foods will have on our bodies.

So,

Let's start at the very beginning! (A very good place to start!)

 (if you caught the Sound of Music reference you get 10 cool points :P)

I was not a sickly child. I got the cold once in a while. One time, when we switched my my beloved Carnation powdered milk to Kerrygold, we all got sick from it cuz we didn't know we couldn't tolerate it. When I was a teen I discovered I suddenly had an allergy to shrimp. Otherwise I'd eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to (no need for the "omg ur so skinny and u can eat whatever you want" comment please, my metabolism is what it is; do get over it).

When I was in 6th form I started getting heartburn once in a while accompanied by chest pains. The solution: over the counter antacid, which tasted disgusting, but it worked.

Fast-forward to my 2nd semester at University. And after months of horrible eating at all kinds of weird hours, I suddenly started getting random queasy and upset stomach problems. Then in April 2007 I started feeling nauseous every time I ate, which made me basically eat very little, so I wouldn't feel sick (yes I know that's stupid).

I Went to the doctor and was told I probably had acid reflux and she prescribed some really strong Ogastro which made me feel even worse.

I was then put on a drug called Nexium and another one called Alocid.

I lost so much weight that year; it was depressing. When I came home I went to my GP and he put me on some kinda fizzy antacid tablet and another ppi (proton pump inhibitor..it basically stops your stomach's acid production..more on why that is crazy insane later). He advised me to cut out certain foods, which I did.
By the time I was ready to go back to school I had put back on the weight I lost and I was feeling great!

...Until about 3 weeks into the semester when the same thing started back again. I visited a gastroenterologist in Barbados who told me I had mild to moderate acid reflux and also prescribed Alocid. That and Dica became my best friends; anytime I felt sick I'd take one. So for the duration of my studies in Barbados I lived on Alocid and Dica and tried to avoid the trigger foods, but indulged once in a while, figuring I could 'balance it off" by taking some meds.

I figured I could manage my disease with medication and by avoiding certain 'trigger foods" ... boy was I wrong.

Things progressively got worse, I would be taking Dica 4-5 times a day, ppi's twice a day (cuz I discovered you could buy a certain brand over the counter without a prescription, so I was all too happy to get my meds cheaper).

Then disaster struck....unexpectedly..and it was debilitating...

One day in August 2011, while vacationing in B'dos I had what seemed to be a bad Teriyaki chicken sandwich from Subway and ended up with a mild case of gastro..so the doctors say..well that is what precipitated the worst case of a 'flare up' I've ever had. it lasted for WEEKS. I could barely eat anything. I was living on bread and butter or bread and jam, literally. The nausea lasted for hours on end. One morning, I went to bed at 5 am, because I couldn't sleep. I had had nausea that lasted from 11 pm the previous night. My stomach was roiling, my throat was burning and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I tried worked, no ginger tea, no antacid, nothing. At my wit's end I saw 2 doctors and a homeopathic doc in B'dos in the space of like a week and a half. The GP's told me, you have to give the nexium time to work. It can take up to two weeks. And I was like, but um it normally works in a day..this is 4/5 days later and it's not helping!! At my wit's end, I went to see a homeopathic doc. He told me I probably had a hiatial hernia (where part of the stomach ends up in the oesopahgus) and cuz I was masking the symptoms of my disease with so much medication, my body was rebelling and that's why nothing was working. He put me on magnesium tablets and and Aloe vera juice drink and showed me some massaging techniques for my stomach to aid digestion and alseo some and chest massages when I ate to help the food go down. And that day I had  a full meal, and I didn't feel horribly sick. I KID YOU NOT! I don't know if it was all in my mind, the placebo effect or what..but it worked!

..Until I got back home and started feeling sick again...this time I went to another doc, who swore up and down that I had an h.pylori (bacterial infection that causes acid reflux-like symptoms) infection and gave me some really strong medication..only for the tests to come back negative...I also did chest x rays, thryoid tests, blood tests...nothing major showed up. I went to another one who flooded my system with yet more antibiotics and ppi's...a third one did the same thing. Finally, in November 2011, I went to a GI specialist, thinking Imight really find out what's going on now. I did an endoscopy (they put a tube down ur throat to see what's going on) and the findings were that I had a slack esopahgeal sphincter msucle (hence why the acid was refluxing) and extraeosophageal acid reflux (basically I get symptoms that are atypical of a common reflux sufferer..in addition to chest pains and nausea and burning I also get throat spasms, a choking feeling in my throat, neck and shoulder pain, pain in my upper stomach, pain in my ribs, etc.), but I had to lesions, no ulcers, no abnormal stomach cells.  I also did a CT scan. Let me tell you, having hot dye shot through your veins while going though a rotating machine and having to lie completely still is the most horrible feeling in the WORLD! I have no idea how drug addicts can shoot things up their veins so regularly. I cannot do it. I cannot. Those tests also came back showing nothing serious.

So I was told ok you have extraoesophageal acid reflux AND IBS.

IBS?? where the hell did THAT come out from???

 IBS is basically what docs diagnose you with when they do a battery of tests and they cant figure out what the hell is wrong with you. So I was given more meds and basically told; no you're not dying, pull yourself together, it's not life threatening. you can live with this, just take the damn meds already!
I was put on some new IBS drug with did nothing for me and I was put on anti depressants. Let me tell you something about antidepressants. They mess with your hormones. You feel like you're going crazy. DO NOT take that shit. EVER.

So WHYYYYY was I feeling so sick if nothing major was wrong with me????

By now I was bloated from having my good gut bacteria wiped out from antibiotics, then I started having trouble sleeping. Plus I was getting horrible lower abdominal pain. Then in January 2012, I literally woke up one morning and started feeling dizzy. It's never stopped. To this day I suffer with chronic dizziness. I've learnt to basically ignore it and use techniques to minimize it. I however cannot be in a room with any loud or clashing prints. My head will go crazy.

It was then I made a decision. I was tired of doctors who I thought knew what they were doing, trying out experimental things on me. I realised that modern medicine is still largely a process of trial and error. You basically try to figure out what's going on based on symptoms and the tests that are available."We THINK this is what u MAY have, lets try different combinations of shit and figure out which one works, kay?" You're shooting in the dark.

I decided that I was going to figure out ON MY OWN just what the hell was wrong with my digestive system and how to fix it.

I have a theory about how I got to the point where my digestive system basically shut down. I was masking the symptoms of my conditions for years with ppi's and antacids,overusing them. Abusing them really. my body just couldn't take it anymore. If you stop or slow down or reduce acid production by taking ppi's your stomach can't digest food properly. Read here about the long term effect of ppi's on your body. Your stomach has to produce a certain amount of acid at a certain pH to digest he food and if it's not doing that, the food doesn't digest properly and it causes fermentation and the overgrowth of unfriendly bacteria in your system and intestinal permeability, which is commonly called leaky gut where undigested food passes into your blood stream. You body treats this food as an invader and hence why almost everything you eat makes you sick because your body is treating food like a foreign body.

I've been doing research for nearly 2 years and I have discovered a few things.

I first tried the gluten free diet, because I found out how gluten affects digestion and acid reflux.
I definitely felt better eating like this, but I wasn't feeling amazingly good. The I discovered that gluten free snacks can be just as bad as regular snacks and that gluten free products are just as processed and filled with GMO's (geneticallymodified organisms) as regular food.

So I did some more digging...

Then I discovered certain diets that were created specifically for people suffering with digestive diseases. The GAPS and SCDiet here and here and the Paleo community (check it out here) have been an absolute GODSEND!




The first two diets basically starve out the pathogens in your body and heal the gut lining. You have to follow the diets in addition to the use of supplements to help heal your digestive system.

I was REALLY skeptical about these diets cuz I didn't think I had the guts to give up the foods I loved so much. It was hard enough giving up all those delicious wheat flour treats and BREAD. OMG I love bread (and cakes and pastries, and basically anything that involves copious amounts of flour, sugar and eggs. Back in university, I was THE SNACK QUEEN. ANY time of day or night, I would have snacks to share with friends and family.)so much! It's only when you have to stop eating it that you realize just how much bread based food items we eat on a daily basis.

Navigating these diets was/is hard, I was at a total loss as to what to eat. Good thing I'm persistent. I figured out a meal plan and a protocol to follow. These diets are not for the faint of heart. It requires a TOTAL diet and lifestyle change. It also takes up to two years for your body to heal. There is no overnight success story here.

I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to tweak the diet to my needs. I'm not fully there yet. I also realise that I still have underlying problems that are not allowing my body to fully heal, even on these diets.

I am working with an osteopath/functional medicine specialist,  right now, doing some tests to find out if I'm suffering from any parasitic/bacterial infections, adrenal burnout and elevated cortisol levels.

I did a stool (tmi I know) and saliva test and sent them to a lab in the states (cuz regular labs don't do this kind of testing) so I'm expected to get my results soon. I then have to discuss it with my osteopath and then get advice as to how to proceed to treat whatever's wrong with me.

Anyway this is more than enough for now. If you have any questions or want further details, feel free to leave a lilttle note in the comments below :)

xo

Ren

p.s Tank top designed by Jessica of  Artemis Arts. Check her out. She's awesome.

Fear

Hi again!

Miss me?? (don't answer that lol)

Anyway,

Let's talk about fear today.

Heart-racing, nail-biting, paralysing fear.

Random fact: Did you know that the fear of failure is ranked as the number one human fear? It even beat out the fear of death. I kid you not (google it if you don't believe me!!)

Fear usually the thing that keeps us from doing that which we want to do.

I am, by nature, a scardey-cat. Anything that's out of the norm, terrifies me. I like routine; I like order, it keeps me sane.

I remember being terrified and NOT AT ALL excited to go to the pseudo amusement park in Chaguanas with the shaky 'roller'coaster' and the ferris wheel. I remember my Uncle and Aunt teasing me because of the look of sheer terror in my eyes when we were on the rides. I also remember my aunt telling me "Renee, c'mon, live a little".

I also remember a fellow classmate of mine from CAFD at UTT basically telling me I need to stop having such an aversion to risk, especially with my fashion choices. Hilarious I know, studying fashion and afraid to take a risk with my wardrobe. Unbelievable.

My boyfriend also told me once that I'm ruled by my fears...see the trend here?

My fear factor increased even further, when, two years ago I got really sick and none of the doctors (all SIX (6) of them in Trinidad and Barbados) could really figure out what was really wrong with me. I did test upon test and nothing really conclusive came back. The doctors made suggestions, but everything was just conjecture, educated guesses. It was a time of real confusion and depression, wondering if I was going to die. I was afraid to go out, afraid to eat, because I was just so terrified I'd get sick in the middle of an event. However after some time, I slowly started back doing things I used to do before I got sick and also, since I wasn't getting any answers from conventional methods, I decided I would take things into my own hands. I decided to stop relying on medication to suppress my symptoms, which anyone who's a life long pill popper knows is just absolutely terrifying. It's hard to give up control.

In the last year I have forced myself, to take risks. The Catholic church is celebrating the Year of Faith and I decided I would challenge myself to stop being so timid and afraid and well..step out in faith. Well I tell you, I have no regretted it one bit. The last year has enabled me to have some unbelievable experiences that I know I'd never have, had I not jumped off the proverbial deep end. I like control, taking a risk forces you to let go of that perceived control. You literally have to let go and let God. Trust that it will work out. And even if it doesn't..well at least you can say you tried.


Two major things I've done over the past year are :

Starting  my own business I started Renee's Natural Hair Styling and Braiding Services *shameless plug*
I have met and made friends with some of the most interesting and amazing clients! I have been able to do what I am passionate about for almost a year, and that is to educate, communicate and encourage people to love their natural kinky, coily and curly hair. I continued to be amazed when people find the right products for their hair or discover a new hairstyle or maintenance or hair care technique that has helped them. It's truly a blessing to be able to use my hands and heart in the service of others. Not many people can say that and not many people get to do what they love on a daily basis.

Volunteering for World Youth Day (WYD) in Brazil and getting to see the Christ the Redeemer Statue at Corcovado- IN PERSON, a really unforgettable experience. I harboured a vague desire to go to Brazil for the World Cup in 2014, wondeirng how on earth I'd pay for that experience. Instead I decided, since this was probably the closest WYD would EVER be to to Caribbean, I'd try to go as a volunteer for the WYD in Rio, which  I was able to do practically for free. I'll tell y'all about that in another blog post.

There's one more major leap I plan to take this year, for my health. It's been improving but it's not fully there yet and I know there's something that's holding me back. I have been putting it off, thinking I can deal with it; putting  it off for fear of upsetting others. But there comes a time when you have to take a stand, take control, do what's right for you. More details about this in yet another post.

I believe though that things happen for a reason and your experiences conspire to propel you to make certain leaps of faith when the time is right. Honestly, taking these kinds of gambles has really boosted my self confidence. My new motto is "try it, what have you got to lose?" And really, what HAVE you go to lose? You always learn something from each and every experience; be it positive or negative.

As usual I've blabbered on for far too long! Long story short, take a risk, you never know what the outcome might be. You may have just precipitated the beginning of a wonderful and unforgettable journey to discovering a new talent or honing an existing one. You also learn more about and develop yourself in the process. You may discover that you're just not good at something, or you might make a life long friend, develop a key relationship. You just never know.

So fight the fear, take a risk..what have you got to lose?

Till next time!

xo

Ren